THOSE PEOPLE

A black magazine for people too hip for black magazines. 

Why White Men Have Every Right to be Upset About Diversity

Why White Men Have Every Right to be Upset About Diversity

 

A Requiem for the Original Gangster

Dear White Guys,

I get it. You’re upset. And the more I think about it the more I realize that you have every right to be. I mean, while the rest of us niggers, bitches, wetbacks, faggots, terrorists, and all various types of chinks have been celebrating all of the revolutionary strides that we have made since…

I don’t know, when did your downward spiral actually begin — the Civil War, when women got the right to vote, the Civil Rights movement, feminism, Black quarterbacks, O.J. Simpson, the retirement of Larry Bird, 9/11, Barack Obama, gay marriage, the emergence of China as an international economic power, Caitlyn Jenner, Oscar voting reformation, or some unfathomable movement in the future when a Black man can walk into a church, listen to a Bible study for an hour, kill nine people, and then have the judge presiding over his case ask for prayer for his family?

Regardless, while your ex-wives, whores, culturally homogenized colonial subjects, genocide survivors, schoolyard bully victims, targets, servants, and slaves celebrated the fleeting moments of joy when a loophole allowed them to open up a casino and make millions on the same land that you marched them to in hopes of them dying before they reached the destination or when a spic became Pope, you were left to sulk in the shadows and watch everything that those before you worked so hard for by oppressing, killing, and enslaving slowly slip out of your hands.

And the worst part is that nobody heard your screams and if they did, they didn’t give a fuuuck. You cried in the darkness by yourself as a nigger auditioned to play Spider Man. I mean, how crazy is that?

Whoever heard of a nigger named Peter Parker?

And, besides that, Spider Man is White. James Bond is White! Annie is White! Nick Fury is White! The Human Torch is White! Stormtroopers are White! The President of the United States is White! Oscar nominees are White! The Phantom of the Opera is fucking White, dude, but suddenly all of them are being played by niggers or are about to be played by niggers. If you think about it every role is being played by niggers these days except for that White bitch in Aloha.

That must be infuriating.

The next thing you know Hollywood is going to have some nigger playing Cleopatra or Tonto in The Lone Ranger. Wrap your head around that shit.

‘Cause you gettin’ played, son. White men can’t even depict reality any more without race or gender becoming an issue. For example, I was reading this article a few months ago about how some bleeding hearts were complaining about the television show Silicon Valley not having any major female roles.

I don’t know. I don’t watch that show. It ain’t got no Black people in it.

But you White man had to be thinking, “Don’t they know that less than twenty percent of the technical staff in the real Silicon Valley is female?”

 

Not having a major female role in the television show Silicon Valley isn’t sexism. It’s simply a reflection of the gender gap, which is real.

 

What were you supposed to do, lie about the truth like Dick Cheney or George W. Bush?

It’s only a matter of time before somebody’s going to be demanding that you actually hire more women in Silicon Valley and even when you do they’re going to complain when you make some innocent comment about their tits.

Fucking pussies.

What kind of bullshit is that? Regardless, that unfortunately is how shit’s going for you right now, White man. Even as a dark skinned Black man born and raised in the heart of the deep South, I have to admit:

You got fucked.

You got royally fucked, playboy. ‘Cause you picked the worst time since 1492 to be a White man in America. Hell, in the world. The economy is shit, the Euro is about as stable as Enron, your wife makes more money than you do, Bruce Lee’s nephew just took your admissions spots at UCLA, a six foot tall transgender female is taking a piss in the stall beside your sixteen year old daughter right now, Hollywood is making an all female version of Ghostbusters, ISIS is making beheading yo’ ass must see TV, and even Barack Obama is saying nigger in public now, but you can’t. Yet, somehow everything is still your fucking fault.

You’ve gotta be thinking , “How did this happen?”

‘Cause even if you liked Brokeback Mountain (hell, even if you’re gay), even if you have Black friends, even if you give your son’s old baby clothes to your Mexican gardener for his children to wear, even if you hate Fox News, even if you watched The Wire and fuckin’ loved it, even if you think that the Washington Redskins should change their mascot, somewhere deep inside of yo’ id you have to be thinking:

The progress of others is at your expense, White Man.

Come on, shame the devil. Tell the truth. Shiiit, White man, you fallin’ off.

There was a point in time when you could have actually bought me. And not like Donald Sterling bought me, but bought bought me. I’m talkin’ 12 Years A Slave. Hell, 80 Years a Slave. You could have made me make you gluten free pancakes at two in the morning and beat my ass on Broadway if I forgot to put an extra shot of espresso in your Starbucks.

“I said venti, nigger!”

And now you have to grin and bear it when I take your next on the basketball court at the gym.

And deep down in parts of yourself that you don’t talk about at parties that has to fuck with yo’ ass sometimes. It would fuck with me if I hadn’t seen Roots.

After all, your forefathers came to the Americas with nothing but the guns on their back. They befriended the refugees that they discovered in the uncharted land that they called the New World and, after hundreds if not thousands of years of existence, taught them their history. They gave them jobs as slaves and shared their culture with them through religious indoctrination and smallpox. Then they enslaved some other people. The whole Injun thing. Jim Crow. The atomic bomb. Organized crime. Colonialization. Reagan.

Google it.

Anyway, after a whole bunch of ass kickin’ and takin’ names your forefathers created an international social-political-economic system called White Supremacy, which basically made you da’ Man.

You became the expert on everything:

 

Is the Earth flat, White man?
Yes.
What should the international
language of communication be?
Mine.
Who is the greatest rapper on the planet?
Macklemore.

 

You discovered amazing new phenomena like gravity, electricity, and the Harlem Shake. You made me forget how much I loved Michael Jackson, which I will never forgive you for. And now after all of that stone cold gangster shit the world wants you to just share your toys without killing you and stealing them like your great, great, great, great grandfather did.

If the world wants you to hand over the keys of White Supremacy they should…

I don’t know, what should they do?

See, you have been the only child in the house of privilege for more than four hundred years. Now, Mom’s having another baby, Pop just brought his love child home from a business trip, and you have become the middle child in the family of opportunity. Dat gotta hurt.

Dawg:

Your forefathers took over the world and all you got was affirmative action.

Note to self: that would make a great T-shirt. I’d probably make a killing in South Carolina.

Less than fifty years ago you could have told anybody who had a problem with you to suck your fuckin’ cock and now you have to sit quietly and listen to the world’s pains like a husband who bought his wife a vacuum cleaner for their wedding anniversary.

And what did you do really? It’s not like you led anybody down the Trail of Tears. You simply inherited a system that made White superiority your birthright and now you can’t even enjoy it, at least not in peace.

Cold blooded. The world ain’t fair, is it? I’m sure that it’s enough to make you not want to be White sometimes.

Or is it?

The views and opinions expressed here are those of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of anyone who isn’t being satirical.

 
A Black Man Walks into Silicon Valley and Tries to Get A Job

A Black Man Walks into Silicon Valley and Tries to Get A Job

Psychobabble: Deon Richmond

Psychobabble: Deon Richmond